Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Run away, little girl, run away.

Barnabas Collins, where have you been all my life?

Just started watching Dark Shadows on Hulu. I remember seeing part of an episode of this on TV once, and my mother mentioned that she used to watch it. 

To put it bluntly, this show is fucking fantastic. The main vampire is alluring beyond belief, seductive, fierce, violent but with just enough weakness to be believable. They show the attack scenes more or less uncensored with just the right amount of blood. It’s cliche and romanticized but I can’t really say that I mind. The main character is likable and hasn’t done anything too horror-movie stupid yet to be annoying. I even like Willy, in a pitying kind of way.

Note to male readers; don’t watch this show, you’ll hate it. Total barf-fest. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Bittersweet dream this morning.

I was with a group of girls and an adult mother figure. I was auditioning to be part of their ‘team’, it was some kind of super-secret-spy kind of thing, but with magic. This has actually come up several times in my dreams, but this time in was all young women, girls really. I was that age as well, which is also not surprising as I am often a teenager or younger in my dreams.

Anyway, I was not doing so well, and stern mother figure was about to discharge me, when she found out about my ‘master’, the mythical being I had met in my past. This excited her a great deal and she decided that I must be reunited with this being via a ritual. I was overjoyed, ecstatic, so unbelievably happy. At last I would see him, hear him, feel his touch. At last I would be fulfilled.

The ritual was taking place out in the countryside, which was magical in some way. Lots of people were there. My mother was there. Apparently she was in on the whole thing. Go figure. Also, she had wings.

Just before the ritual was about to begin, I happened to look at myself in the mirror and was shocked to discover that I had become a little girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old. The people around me assured that it was no big deal. I decided not to worry about it. As long as he I would see him at last, nothing else mattered. 

Then I woke up. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement, but I’ve gotten used to waking up and having something wonderful torn away from me. It happens often enough at poignant moments that it is clearly not a coincidence, I regularly wake up just before something good is about to happen, most often just before sex. What exactly wakes me up, I don’t know.

One thing is still really bothering me from that dream. When I was going to be cast out of the group, one of the other girls was taunting me and being a bitch. I hit her hard and and she went down. I then grabbed her and groped her left breast roughly. This act wasn’t sexual at all, it was a show of power and dominance.

This is really fucking creepy. This was not a lucid dream. It’s not like I knew consciously that she wan’t real. Frankly, it scares me that I would do something like that. It just seemed like the natural thing to do at the time.


This is Hellsing fanart. I’m making an effort to keep the journal free of my fandom-related obsessions, but if this image isn’t relevant I don’t know what is.

And yes, I do have a bit of an attraction to the multiple hands thing. Alucard introduced me to it, but I’ve seen it work well in other places. This has to be at least part of my fascination with Slenderman.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I’m resisting the urge to spam this blog with Slenderman. He’s one of my favorite monsters. He is welcome to come take me anytime.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Invocation - Michael Brack

Do not conjure that which you cannot then dispel.
Typical lucid dream this weekend. Realized it was a dream while on a boat going down a river with my family. Waved goodbye to them and got off the boat with some minor difficulty because of problems with door size. Flew over to the river bank which was lined with houses, planning on looking for a male for dreamsex as usual. As I approach the houses, the perspective fucks up and they are half as tall as I am, like children’s toys. Spent at least 15 minutes trying to fly to a new area, getting stuck in various places, ending up back at the river and not getting any. This is what happens most of the time. Again, it’s the Pandora’s box thing, because it works sometimes I spend all my lucid dreaming time time looking for sex, even though most of it ends in vain. It’s like a bizarre metaphor for life.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Boyfriend says we need to have ‘a talk’. He can’t take the whole poly thing. He saw some text messages I exchanged with a friend (who lives 3,000 miles away) of a sexual nature, and now he’s depressed and has realized he can’t do it. What to do? There aren’t a lot of guys I’d willing to be monogamous for, but he’s one of them. However, he says he doesn’t want to force me to do something that I ‘don’t believe in’. Ultimately he’s going to have to choice between dealing with the fact that I’m doing something I don’t want to to make him happy or the fact that I’m with other people. Those are really the only two options here. 
Please accept this monster as compensation for dealing with this boring life update.

another sea monster

Friday, September 24, 2010

what do you find attractive in a monster, or is it not like that?

Sexually, I’m only attracted to the really humanoid ones. I am not interested in having sex with the sea monsters. Vampires, demons, incubi and the like are pretty sexy. And the ‘monsters’ that exist among mankind are of course all up for grabs.

For the rest of them, I love the idea of having reverence for something more powerful than I am, maybe even being destroyed or overtaken by it. It’s a very Cult of Cthulu-esque kind of thing. I once played a D&D game where it looked like my character was going to be help captive in service to a dragon in order to pay off his debt. Something about this really appealed to me, though of course I didn’t mention that to anyone at the time.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Biblis - Wilian Bouguereau

Same guy here. Have you ever worried about your desire to be raped veering into dangerous territory, such as actively going out and pursuing a rape scenario, be it with your boyfriend or by a stranger?

Honestly, I’ve never really thought about it that way. I guess that’s possible, but it’s not really something I’ve considered or am worried about, at least not in term of rape. For one thing, I don’t think the scenario would really ‘work’ for me if I had initiated it/set it up, at least in terms of rape.

Now some of the other things I fantasize about are things that I could potentially set up for myself. Being killed/murdered is one of them, though frankly I think the chances of my actually pursuing this are slim. Being in service to someone and acknowledging them as my master is even more plausible, and I am aware that it is not uncommon in the D/s community. This is something I might actually try one day, although I think I’d be more than a little picky about who I would be willing to address as ‘master’. Someone once said to me, “Of what interest are the hearts of men, to one who has loved a monster?” True ‘monsters’, rather literal demons or those in human form, are uncommon, to say the least.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Have you ever tried going to a therapist/psychiatrist? Do you enjoy your mental state? Do you view your desire for rape and monsters in a positive, negative, or mutual light?

I’ve actually been seeing psychiatrists since I was a child. I had very severe childhood OCD and was passed from doctor to doctor, psychiatrist to neurologist to whoever they happened to know. It left me with a bit of a lack of confidence in the medical profession as a whole. I recently saw a therapist for the first time at the behest of another physician. We didn’t really get a chance to talk about my more deviant tendencies but it will come up eventually I’m sure.

To answer your question, I like liking monsters. They bring me joy. Fantasies of my own destruction bring me a strong sense of fulfillment. However, I am well aware that most professionals would consider entertaining these thoughts to be harmful and negative. Frankly, I don’t want to be healthy. I want to spend my whole life waiting for something that may never happen. Intellectually, I know that I am never going to be bitten by a vampire. I will never serve a demonic master. The hands will never come for me. But, if they did, I would be ready for them.

It’s a bit childish, really. But it applies in a much more mundane sense. My favorite author, Robert Heinlein, once wrote that each person gets one ‘chance’ in their lifetime. One opportunity to self-actualize, to become meaningful. It’s a decision they have to make, or a cause to which they are drawn. When mine comes, I know that it won’t be monsters. But I intend to treat it with the same sense of grandeur that my monsters, both internal and external, have taught me. 

Did that make any sense or was that just me rambling about my aesthetic?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

So I think it’s inevitable that I start posting some of my images on women on here as well. I collect them, although they are not nearly as important to me as my men or monsters. 
This is Amaia by the amazing dagwanoenyent. A lot of her work is blood fetish-oriented, and this one is my personal favorite. Expect more to come.
Spent the weekend with the boyfriend. Now, he knows about some of my rape fantasies, and lately he has been asking me about that sort of thing a lot. I keep trying to tell him that I really can't imagine him that way, I know he would never hurt me and it would just seem ridiculous to imagine him as a rapist. But he sprung it on me anyway. This is the first time I've gotten to play out any kind of non-con fantasy. Well, as I suspected it didn't really feel 'real', but I did get some enjoyment out of it. It was sweet of him to try. Later, I found out that he had bought a Trojan vibrating cock ring at Walmart. We tried it. Eh, it didn't do much for me. He seemed to like it though. Sex still didn't last more than a couple minutes, but oh well. This is our pattern; foreplay > sex > he comes > I touch myself while he feels me up. Feels bad man. I've never once gotten to come from something another person was doing, only from masturbation. However, I only had sex for the first time this February, so I'm hopefully that I'll get there eventually.

I've got him halfway on the polyamoury wagon. We agreed to open up the relationship some time ago, although he admits that the idea of me with another man still upsets him somewhat. Last night, he read some text messenges I had exchanged with a long-distance friend of mine which were violently sexual. I could see that it made him sad. I asked him if he needed me to stop talking to the guy, and he said no, but I could see that he was still down. I told him that aren't a lot of guys who I would be monogamous for, but he's one of them. He waved that away. I know he wants me to be happy, but I worry about him.

I have this theory that once he sleeps with/dates another girl it will all click into place for him, but I know that this is mostly wishful thinking. He tells me that he still thinks I'm going to be jealous about him with another girl, no matter what I say. We have a sort of informal bet about it. However, finding a test subject is easier said that done, as he's not exactly a ladies man. I'll keep my eye out for now.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Criminal Minds

I’ve seen a few episodes of Criminal Minds on TV and and have been pretty impressed so far. Is it a bit ridiculous? Yes. But I’m still enjoying it immensely. I recently started watching them online from the beginning. 
First episode, not particularly attracted to killers. Kid seemed interesting enough though. I thought it was pretty cool that they had him leave a game of go going and analyzed him based on his playing strategy. However, the team figures out that the killers password for his laptop is ‘Enter Sandman’. ‘Cause he’s a Metallica fan and an insomniac, get it? Lol u gaize are so clever. Also; he’s the world’s dumbest hacker. 
First Unsub I really liked was episode 5. Very creepy. Episode 10 was pretty cool. I was kind of surpirsed to realize how appealing the LOD group was to me. Sex parties with loud music, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised. Still it seemed pretty juvenile. 
Haven’t really found myself to enamored with any of the killers yet, but give it time. Meanwhile I can fangirl over Reed.

Here is another in William Blake’s Red Dragon series, The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed with the Sun.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Here we lean a little more towards the ‘men’ side of Men and Monsters. I’ve loved this picture for a long time, but only recently popped it in to tineye and found out that it’s actually the lead singer from the Japanese band BUCK-TICK. The more you know.

Kiss Me, Kill Me, Take Me, Touch Me

This is what I wrote up the day I finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's very telling, in fact I think it shows exactly who I am. It's a bit long, but worth it.

I finished Evangelion today. All the original episodes and the two movies. It hurt. It hurt a lot. A cried a lot because it was hurting me inside, but I kept watching. Afterwards I took a long walk in the rain. I wanted to feel cold. Cold has become a sacredness to me, the feeling of it. I thought a lot about myself and what I had seen.

I have developed a lot of 'sacrednesses.' Cold is one of them, sleep is one of them.

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was in a world, an earth, that was my dream, and that my purpose in my dreams was to visit worlds and correct what had gone wrong there.

The idea was that I was a sort of agent sent out to travel between worlds and fix things that were 'wrong' there, like the time line had screwed up. Things that had happened that weren't 'supposed to happen'. This I would do by traveling through worlds in my dreams.

I had inhabited the body of a girl who lived in this world, and pretending to be her and live her life to check this world out and see what the problem was. I was in a fancy home. A mother was there with her child, and I was trying very hard to 'please' the mother and act right so that I could stay and hang out with the child, who seemed much younger than me, an infant almost. Though I wasn't conscious of it at the time, the mother and daughter were clearly L and her mother. L's mother is very strict and frankly scares me. I find her to be a rather unpleasant woman. However, I like Lvery much. They are quite wealthy and live in a large, lavish home. Although she is 18 now, L has always seemed very young to me,

In any case, I was there with the two of them and with some other girl my age. There were these weird creatures that arrived in a little spaceship that had some kind of crazy powers and were changing people into things. Bodies getting 'messed-up' and changing shape is a common theme in my dreams, something that can be quite upsetting. (Have you ever 'been' a common household object like a watering can? Have you ever seen your parents turn into little pieces of things and you have to try to take the things and keep them safe so you can save your parents but you can't seem to hold on to them? Of course not, that's ridiculous. This happens in my dreams.) Eventually, somebody realized that I wasn't the person I appeared to be and a man asked 'Who are you?!” and I explained about how I was an agent here to fix the problems occurring in this universe. Everybody was quite relieved and glad for my help. Anyway I was using my magical dream powers to fix things, but some things really didn't add up, and I had to try and make the situation make sense according to the reality I was trying to enforce. I was aware that I wanted it to be that I was an agent 'sent' here to fic things, that in 'reality' no one had sent me, this was just an idea I had, so occasionally things popped up that caused continuity problems. For example, when I said that I was all done and the problems had been fixed, somebody showed me that there was still a misshapen child I had to think fast and act surprised.

“Oh, I didn't think he was one of the things I was supposed to fix” (this was a lie because there was no 'supposed to', I didn't really have a list of orders) “Maybe I made a mistake somewhere, maybe I've messed up the timeline.”

And then, suddenly, there was a demon-monster-thing, oh my! I was quite excited. It hadn't been my idea, it just showed up. It was here to mess with my job. I immediately made up a back-story to suit the situation. These things were the enemies of my kind, terrible demons that prayed on us. In my cannon, all the world-traveling agents were virgins, and the one who took our virginity would gain control of us, ie. The demon wanted to rape me and become my master, I would be forced to do it's bidding. I wanted this, I wanted it to rape me. It would feel so good I could hardly wait. The demon started going after me, and I was defending myself (had to keep up the act), then it started going after the people. I shouted at it to stop. I would do anything it asked and sacrifice myself if it would leave the people and the children alone.

This was perfect. It was a chance to let the monster have me without looking like I wanted it. For a moment, it seemed like it was going to work. The demon had me pinned down on the ground and was pressing his body against mine. It was strong and masculine and terrible. He pushed his huge, erect member against me. “Get ready,” he said “this is what's coming for you.” It was so good. I moaned, I wanted it so much. Then I realized that he was gone. I was alone, only imagining the existence of the body against me. My dream had changed from being taken to fantasizing about being taken. This happens a lot. I'll be about to have sex with someone in a dream, and suddenly I'll realize that they aren't there anymore, and that for the last several seconds I've actually just been imagining the feel of them there. This is quite frustrating, very very frustrating, and I was quite frustrated about it. The rest of the dream was spent trying to find the demon, trying to make the reality happen again. Once I was awake of course I could see that all those efforts had been useless. In my dreams, the more you try to force a reality like that, the more it slips away from you. It's a Chinese finger trap in reverse. All my physical powers are not enough to make it happen, because it's not a progression of events based on logic. I can fly, move objects, change the physical make up of objects, create objects, etc, but all this is limited to the non-logic that governs my dream universe.

The problem is, sometimes it does work. Sometimes I do get exactly what I want. Sometimes I am able to have an enjoyable sexual experience. This is hope, the last object in Pandora's box. It's the knowledge that you might be able to get what you want, so even though it's unlikely you still keep pushing forward, you still keep trying and trying and frustrating yourself.

I long for absolution. Rip me, tear me, wrend me apart. Rape me. Take me, destroy me.

I had a rhyme that I made up a long time ago when I was younger. It just kind of came to me. I still hum it to myself sometimes.

Kiss me, kill me, take me, touch me. Kiss me, kill me, take me, touch me.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Lilith by John Collier

Didn’t I tell you I liked Eve and the Snake? Or, Lilith and the Snake, as the case may be. 

Here’s another one by Mentoski8 of deviantART. The man is an excellent source of monsters. 

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I really like this piece. Simple, elegant and to the point.

“Here Lovecraft as a child and Nyarlathotep, the messenger of the dark gods whispering terrible secrets from the other side.”
I’m not really well-read enough on Lovecraft to do much with his mythos in this blog, but I love this image. Would that I had had such a teacher. Well, at least such a concrete one. 
I can’t stop listening to the Transylvania Concubine song. Imagine a place where women congrigated and vampires came to drink from them. Where I could go everynight and give myself to one, give over my blood and my life force. Perhaps find a master. Would you be different after that? Would people be able to tell? It reminds me of a dream I had a while ago about European nobility staying as guests at a large and beautiful castle. Lots of ceremony going on.
The interesting thing I took away from this dream came into play when the Lord of the castle heard that there was someone in the castle who was in contact with a vampire. Supposedly, humans (especially women) were sometimes kept by a vampire as sources of blood, ie. the vampire would drink a small amount of blood from them again and again, but not enough to kill them or to turn them into a vampire. They didn’t seem to have a term for this sort of person, but kept referring to them as being ‘touched’. As in “the vampire touched her,” or “she’s been touched”. It was a sort of contamination, like the person couldn’t really be considered a member of society after that.
Obviously the person was me. They got suspicious of me after I seemed interested in an old dusty portrait that was hanging in a hallway, which turned out to be of Vlad the Impaler. (Hey, you’re the one with it on your wall, not me.) Then vampires attacked the mansion and started killing everyone. This was totally not my fault.