Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Have you ever tried going to a therapist/psychiatrist? Do you enjoy your mental state? Do you view your desire for rape and monsters in a positive, negative, or mutual light?

I’ve actually been seeing psychiatrists since I was a child. I had very severe childhood OCD and was passed from doctor to doctor, psychiatrist to neurologist to whoever they happened to know. It left me with a bit of a lack of confidence in the medical profession as a whole. I recently saw a therapist for the first time at the behest of another physician. We didn’t really get a chance to talk about my more deviant tendencies but it will come up eventually I’m sure.

To answer your question, I like liking monsters. They bring me joy. Fantasies of my own destruction bring me a strong sense of fulfillment. However, I am well aware that most professionals would consider entertaining these thoughts to be harmful and negative. Frankly, I don’t want to be healthy. I want to spend my whole life waiting for something that may never happen. Intellectually, I know that I am never going to be bitten by a vampire. I will never serve a demonic master. The hands will never come for me. But, if they did, I would be ready for them.

It’s a bit childish, really. But it applies in a much more mundane sense. My favorite author, Robert Heinlein, once wrote that each person gets one ‘chance’ in their lifetime. One opportunity to self-actualize, to become meaningful. It’s a decision they have to make, or a cause to which they are drawn. When mine comes, I know that it won’t be monsters. But I intend to treat it with the same sense of grandeur that my monsters, both internal and external, have taught me. 

Did that make any sense or was that just me rambling about my aesthetic?

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