This is what I wrote up the day I finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's very telling, in fact I think it shows exactly who I am. It's a bit long, but worth it.
I finished Evangelion today. All the original episodes and the two movies. It hurt. It hurt a lot. A cried a lot because it was hurting me inside, but I kept watching. Afterwards I took a long walk in the rain. I wanted to feel cold. Cold has become a sacredness to me, the feeling of it. I thought a lot about myself and what I had seen.
I have developed a lot of 'sacrednesses.' Cold is one of them, sleep is one of them.
I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was in a world, an earth, that was my dream, and that my purpose in my dreams was to visit worlds and correct what had gone wrong there.
The idea was that I was a sort of agent sent out to travel between worlds and fix things that were 'wrong' there, like the time line had screwed up. Things that had happened that weren't 'supposed to happen'. This I would do by traveling through worlds in my dreams.
I had inhabited the body of a girl who lived in this world, and pretending to be her and live her life to check this world out and see what the problem was. I was in a fancy home. A mother was there with her child, and I was trying very hard to 'please' the mother and act right so that I could stay and hang out with the child, who seemed much younger than me, an infant almost. Though I wasn't conscious of it at the time, the mother and daughter were clearly L and her mother. L's mother is very strict and frankly scares me. I find her to be a rather unpleasant woman. However, I like Lvery much. They are quite wealthy and live in a large, lavish home. Although she is 18 now, L has always seemed very young to me,
In any case, I was there with the two of them and with some other girl my age. There were these weird creatures that arrived in a little spaceship that had some kind of crazy powers and were changing people into things. Bodies getting 'messed-up' and changing shape is a common theme in my dreams, something that can be quite upsetting. (Have you ever 'been' a common household object like a watering can? Have you ever seen your parents turn into little pieces of things and you have to try to take the things and keep them safe so you can save your parents but you can't seem to hold on to them? Of course not, that's ridiculous. This happens in my dreams.) Eventually, somebody realized that I wasn't the person I appeared to be and a man asked 'Who are you?!” and I explained about how I was an agent here to fix the problems occurring in this universe. Everybody was quite relieved and glad for my help. Anyway I was using my magical dream powers to fix things, but some things really didn't add up, and I had to try and make the situation make sense according to the reality I was trying to enforce. I was aware that I wanted it to be that I was an agent 'sent' here to fic things, that in 'reality' no one had sent me, this was just an idea I had, so occasionally things popped up that caused continuity problems. For example, when I said that I was all done and the problems had been fixed, somebody showed me that there was still a misshapen child I had to think fast and act surprised.
“Oh, I didn't think he was one of the things I was supposed to fix” (this was a lie because there was no 'supposed to', I didn't really have a list of orders) “Maybe I made a mistake somewhere, maybe I've messed up the timeline.”
And then, suddenly, there was a demon-monster-thing, oh my! I was quite excited. It hadn't been my idea, it just showed up. It was here to mess with my job. I immediately made up a back-story to suit the situation. These things were the enemies of my kind, terrible demons that prayed on us. In my cannon, all the world-traveling agents were virgins, and the one who took our virginity would gain control of us, ie. The demon wanted to rape me and become my master, I would be forced to do it's bidding. I wanted this, I wanted it to rape me. It would feel so good I could hardly wait. The demon started going after me, and I was defending myself (had to keep up the act), then it started going after the people. I shouted at it to stop. I would do anything it asked and sacrifice myself if it would leave the people and the children alone.
This was perfect. It was a chance to let the monster have me without looking like I wanted it. For a moment, it seemed like it was going to work. The demon had me pinned down on the ground and was pressing his body against mine. It was strong and masculine and terrible. He pushed his huge, erect member against me. “Get ready,” he said “this is what's coming for you.” It was so good. I moaned, I wanted it so much. Then I realized that he was gone. I was alone, only imagining the existence of the body against me. My dream had changed from being taken to fantasizing about being taken. This happens a lot. I'll be about to have sex with someone in a dream, and suddenly I'll realize that they aren't there anymore, and that for the last several seconds I've actually just been imagining the feel of them there. This is quite frustrating, very very frustrating, and I was quite frustrated about it. The rest of the dream was spent trying to find the demon, trying to make the reality happen again. Once I was awake of course I could see that all those efforts had been useless. In my dreams, the more you try to force a reality like that, the more it slips away from you. It's a Chinese finger trap in reverse. All my physical powers are not enough to make it happen, because it's not a progression of events based on logic. I can fly, move objects, change the physical make up of objects, create objects, etc, but all this is limited to the non-logic that governs my dream universe.
The problem is, sometimes it does work. Sometimes I do get exactly what I want. Sometimes I am able to have an enjoyable sexual experience. This is hope, the last object in Pandora's box. It's the knowledge that you might be able to get what you want, so even though it's unlikely you still keep pushing forward, you still keep trying and trying and frustrating yourself.
I long for absolution. Rip me, tear me, wrend me apart. Rape me. Take me, destroy me.
I had a rhyme that I made up a long time ago when I was younger. It just kind of came to me. I still hum it to myself sometimes.
Kiss me, kill me, take me, touch me. Kiss me, kill me, take me, touch me.