Spent the weekend with the boyfriend. Now, he knows about some of my rape fantasies, and lately he has been asking me about that sort of thing a lot. I keep trying to tell him that I really can't imagine him that way, I know he would never hurt me and it would just seem ridiculous to imagine him as a rapist. But he sprung it on me anyway. This is the first time I've gotten to play out any kind of non-con fantasy. Well, as I suspected it didn't really feel 'real', but I did get some enjoyment out of it. It was sweet of him to try. Later, I found out that he had bought a Trojan vibrating cock ring at Walmart. We tried it. Eh, it didn't do much for me. He seemed to like it though. Sex still didn't last more than a couple minutes, but oh well. This is our pattern; foreplay > sex > he comes > I touch myself while he feels me up. Feels bad man. I've never once gotten to come from something another person was doing, only from masturbation. However, I only had sex for the first time this February, so I'm hopefully that I'll get there eventually.

I've got him halfway on the polyamoury wagon. We agreed to open up the relationship some time ago, although he admits that the idea of me with another man still upsets him somewhat. Last night, he read some text messenges I had exchanged with a long-distance friend of mine which were violently sexual. I could see that it made him sad. I asked him if he needed me to stop talking to the guy, and he said no, but I could see that he was still down. I told him that aren't a lot of guys who I would be monogamous for, but he's one of them. He waved that away. I know he wants me to be happy, but I worry about him.

I have this theory that once he sleeps with/dates another girl it will all click into place for him, but I know that this is mostly wishful thinking. He tells me that he still thinks I'm going to be jealous about him with another girl, no matter what I say. We have a sort of informal bet about it. However, finding a test subject is easier said that done, as he's not exactly a ladies man. I'll keep my eye out for now.